


A Million Times Lost and A Million Times Found

by SecondCitySavage



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Infidelity, Kid Fic, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, hopefully
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-25
Updated: 2018-05-27
Packaged: 2019-02-06 15:14:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12820275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SecondCitySavage/pseuds/SecondCitySavage
Summary: Johnny's throat tightens as he listens to his mothers words. Johnny knows Patrick isn't perfect and he's never excused any of his inexcusable actions, but he's in love with the man and walking away after ten years wouldn't be easy. Life without Patrick is something Johnny never imagined."I don't know what to do." Johnny croaks.1988





	1. Demand Some Fucking Respect

Patrick Kane shuffled nervously in front of the two story craftsman he called home until two months ago. He was debating between using his key or ringing the doorbell, but what he was really doing was stalling for time. He stared down at the welcome mat beneath his feet that read 'The Kaners' and sighed. It was one of the few things Johnny let him pick to decorate their home. Now he wasn't sure if this would ever be his home again. When Patrick finally decides on his form of entry, the thick wooden door swings open. Patrick sucks in a breath, Johnny looks tired but so damn good. The gray cotton long sleeve and dark washed jeans he's wearing clings to his body, accentuating his every curve.

  
Johnny doesn't say anything, he just quirks an eyebrow before disappearing into the house. Patrick swallows the lump in his throat before following his estranged husband. He shuts the door behind him and breathes in what can only be described as home, the modern penthouse he's renting in the city doesn't come close to what he and Johnny have built here. It's quiet, which is unusual seeing as they have two under three and they're never quiet. Patrick finds Johnny in the pantry dropping various snacks into a large Ziploc bag.

  
"So, where are my babies?"

  
"Napping," Johnny says moving past him. "The doctor prescribed folic acid for Malik, but other then that their vitamins and other medications are the same, but I've written everything down for Rosa just in case. And I get that Jade's crying can be overwhelming, but we're done with the pacifiers, Pat, she's three and she has teeth."

  
"That she'll end up losing in a couple of years anyway."

  
Johnny cuts him a glare. "That's not the point, Patrick, you give it to her at your house and when she comes home she's a monster because I don't have one here and I have to deal with it. I caught her snatching one out of Malik's mouth the other day."

  
"She won't go to sleep without it." Patrick tells him.

  
"Yes she will, you're just lazy."

  
"Okay, I'm not even gonna get into this with you," Patrick says with a sigh. "It's pointless."

  
"It's not pointless, just don't give her the fucking pacifier, Patrick!" Johnny growls. "And it's not like you really deal with either of them, you wasted no time finding a nanny."

  
Patrick frowns, "What the fuck was I supposed to do, huh? You kicked me out, I have practice and games, I can't take them every where I go, Johnny, you know that. I need the help!"

  
"You have off days too, Pat, and even on those days their photographed out with their nanny instead of their father!"

  
"I didn't come here to do this with you," Patrick griped. "Go get my kids, Jonathan."

  
Johnny looks taken aback before he straightens up.

  
"How about they just stay here?"

  
Patrick huffs, chuckling bitterly with a shake of the head, "You're a piece of work, you know that? I'll send Rosa for them tomorrow, I'm out of here."

  
Johnny follows behind him, "So says the guy that assaulted a cab driver, that was accused of rape, and was caught cheating on his fucking husband with escorts while he sat at home taking care of your kids!" Johnny shouts. "You're the real piece of work, Patrick!"

  
Johnny watched as Patrick hops into his matte black SUV without a second glance and pulled out of the driveway and down the street.

* * *

  
"This isn't healthy," Johnny's mom tells him over the phone. "And I don't know what more I can say, you really have to figure this out on your own, Jonathan. But I don't think you can handle much more. Is this really what you want for your children or yourself? When people show you who they are, you have to believe them. How many times has Patrick shown you who he is?"

  
Johnny's throat tightens as he listens to his mothers words. Johnny knows Patrick isn't perfect and he's never excused any of his inexcusable actions, but he's in love with the man and walking away after ten years wouldn't be easy. Life without Patrick is something Johnny never imagined.

  
"I don't know what to do." Johnny croaks.

  
"Well I'm sorry, baby, but I don't know what to tell you."

  
Johnny sighs, because here he is having this same conversation with his mother, and realistically he should have an idea about what's next, but he can't bring himself to say it and his mother won't either. It sounds silly, he knows, but giving up on Patrick and what they have is like throwing his whole life away. And maybe that's a problem in itself, his identity outside of Patrick is very little, upon graduating from college he settled into the "WAG" life. They got married after Patrick won his second Stanley Cup and immediately started the adoption process.

  
Jade was a beautiful little girl, the product of a black mother and white father. Her eyes were a stunning dark green and she had a head full of silky dark curls. She came to them at ten months old, clingy and scared of everything. And Johnny remembers how she wanted nothing to do with him, she fell for Patrick instantly but made him work for her love and affection, though he didn't mind one bit. But Malik was all his, their big brown eyed baby boy came to them at four months old, a preemie and diagnosed with Sickle Cell Disease, which is a common disease in African Americans. He owned Johnny's heart, both of his children did, but Malik had his soul from day one. The dark skinned boy had the sweetest disposition and Johnny along with Patrick, no matter what was going on between them, would protect him and Jade with their lives.

  
"Johnny, baby, you still there?" His moms voice floated through the line.

  
"Yeah, sorry about that, look mom I'll talk to you later okay?" Johnny rushed. He could hear his mom sigh sadly before obliging.

  
Johnny laid his phone on his nightstand before resting his head in his hands, he didn't know what to do.

  
And that was so fucking cliche.

* * *

  
Malik's excited squeals and Jade's loud "Pop-Pop" gave Patrick away, Johnny wasn't thrilled, he would have much preferred for Patrick to keep his promise of sending Rosa for the babies. He was not over their blowup from yesterday so Johnny made himself busy while Patrick occupied himself with their children. This went on for thirty minutes until they were forced to speak to each other.

  
"He takes half a teaspoon once a day and I give it to him before dinner." Johnny tells him, stuffing extra syringes into an overnight bag. Patrick nods, stuffing his hands into the pocket of his hoodie. "And please, don't give Jade a pacier." Johnny drones on with instructions until Patrick can't take it anymore.

  
"Can you at least look at me?" Patrick asks, cutting Johnny's rant off about their bedtime. "You haven't looked at me once since I got here."

  
Johnny moves to clean the remnants from Malik's and Jade's breakfast and unhooks them both from their booster seats. Jade practically jumps out of hers and runs to Patrick, begging for him to pick her up.

  
"Johnny." Patrick says. hoisting the toddler into his arms, Malik happily toddles into the pantry where he pulls down a box of fruit snacks.

  
"Not in front of them," Johnny says while leading Malik out of the pantry and shutting the door. "To be quite frank I have nothing to say to you. There's nothing to talk about."

  
"We need to talk Johnny, we can't keep living like this, I'm tired, babe."

  
Johnny cuts his eyes to Patrick, and if looks could Kill Patrick would be more than six feet under.

  
"And so am I." Johnny tells him sternly. "But like I said, I'm not having this conversation in front of them."

  
Patrick sighs before turning his head to Jade who's resting on his shoulder with her thumb in her mouth. He kissed her chubby cheek and pulls her thumb from her mouth.

  
"You ready to spend some time with Pop-Pop? How's the zoo sound?" Jade popped her little head up excitedly and shrieked.

  
"Zoo!"

  
"Yeah, baby, the zoo. We're gonna see so many animals, does that sound fun?"

  
Jade nods excitedly and squeals at Malik, "Pop-Pop takin' us to Zoo Li-Li!" The baby bounces excitedly beside Johnny before tumbling towards Patrick.

  
Johnny's mind swirls as he watches Patrick with their children, the amount of emotion that he is experiencing right now is enough to make him sick. He knows they can't continue to live this way and it's painfully obvious Patrick won't make the first move. And while Johnny's not good at striking first, maybe it was about time he did.

* * *

  
"I've never liked him for you," Seabs mutters. "You were way out of his league, when he first introduced you, myself and some of the other guys thought he had hired a date. We thought you were like a model or somethin'"

  
Johnny sets his ginger beer down and frowns.

  
"You thought I was an escort?"

  
"A high priced escort, though."

  
Johnny snarls at Duncan and cut his eyes back to Brent.

  
" _I_ didn't think you were an escort, but I was super surprised that the little twerp was able to land someone like you." Brent tells him.

  
"You guys were an odd couple, but it worked. . . kind of? Like it's not working now, but back then it se - "

  
"Duncs," Brent says cutting him off. "You're nothing helping the cause bud."

  
"It's okay," Johnny says taking another sip of beer. "We're definitely out of commission right now, it's not much of a secret."

  
The table falls silent after that until Duncs speaks up.

  
"Our offer still stands you know. We respect him as our caption on the ice, but off of it. . ."

  
Johnny shakes his head.

  
"That won't solve anything."

  
"Well, it'll make me feel better." Seabs shrugs.

  
Johnny rolls his eyes, a small smirk stretching across his face.

  
"I appreciate you two wanting to protect my honor, but beating him up won't solve anything, think of the kids. They've been through enough trauma to last them a lifetime."

  
Brent nods while running a hand through his hair.

  
"So what now?" He asks.

  
Johnny's eyes lowers to the rose gold wedding band Patrick gave him on their five year anniversary. He's worn it faithfully since that day, only taking it off when he showers or bathes the kids. It seems heavier these days, like it's weighing him down. He doesn't look at it and smile like he use to, but at the same time he can't imagine not having it on his finger. He's been connected to Patrick for so long, and at one point their relationship was so codependent that being away from each other was to much to bare, neither felt like they could breathe without the other around. It's still like that sometimes, even when they've hit a road block, even now.

  
Johnny shrugs, tucking his hands in his lap.

  
"Come on, Tazer, when is enough gonna be enough for you?" Duncan questions. "This is not forgivable."

  
"It's not, I know that, Duncs. I just. . . " Johnny murmurs.

  
Duncan throws his hands up and sighs and Brent nudges him in the ribs.

  
"Look," Brent starts. "We know you guys are. . .you guys are codependent and shit but he's crossed the line one too many times, that bullshit he put you through in 2015 would have been the last straw for me and should have been a wake up call for him, but here we are again. Patrick has embarrassed you on a national level twice and you've dutifully stood by his side. I was fucking sick to my stomach when I saw you sitting next to him at that press conference two months ago holding his hand like he was the fucking victim." Brent snarls, hands closing into fist. "Just talking about it now pisses me off, he obviously feels like you'll never leave, hell, and maybe you won't. But demand some fucking respect, Johnny, you _deserve_ that much."

* * *

  
"And where are my beautiful grandchildren?"

  
"With Patrick," Johnny says into the phone while stirring his tea. "He has them until he fly's out on Tuesday."

  
"Are they really with Patrick or did he pawn them off on Rosa?"

  
Johnny chuckles dryly, "No, he's with them, he took them to the zoo, I'll send you some pictures and the video of Malik feeding a parrot, it's super cute. He says he's taking them to Navy Pier tomorrow but I'm sure Rosa's around, you know he likes to hit up the bars after a "long day", his words not mines."

  
"Well lucky him, where's your break after a long day? Pathetic. "

  
Johnny snorts.

  
"That's a good question mom, but I called you because I was thinking. . . "

  
"Aren't you always, love."

  
"Yeah," Johnny says softly. "I think I'm gonna talk to a lawyer."


	2. We Need To Talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while! Thoughts and Opinions are welcomed! Talk to me people :)

Johnny schedules an appointment with a counselor instead. He's in a cozy waiting room with a clipboard on his lap and a pen in his hand. The first question on the evaluation sheet is, _Who are you? Describe yourself as you see fit_.

'Father' is the first thing he jots down. 'Husband' is second. He draws a blank after that. He moves on to the next question. _If you could rate your happiness on a scale of 1-10, how would you rate it?_ Johnny's happiness is at a ten when he's with his children and there's no doubt about that, but overall he knows he is at the lower end of the scale when it comes to his overall happiness. He writes '6' to be safe.

He fumbles through the rest of the evaluation sheet, crossing things out and overthinking simple questions. When he's done, he flips the clipboard over and waits patiently for the counselor to call him back.

The talk he'd had with Duncan and Brent lit a bit of a fire under him, he absolutely deserved better than what Patrick was giving but he thought going to see an attorney was a bit much. He would cross that bridge when they got there, and he hoped they wouldn't have to cross it at all. Talking to a marriage counselor just seemed like a better alternative, he had hopes that this visit would give him the tools he needed to start righting his and Patrick's relationship.

He's called back and introduced to a petite, soft spoken Asian woman with graying hair. Dr. Lee puts Johnny at ease immediately. They talk for two hours and it's only after he had left that Johnny realizes that she didn't ask him one question about his marriage. So while he didn't leave with a "how to fix my marriage starter kit", he did leave feeling refreshed and with a bit of a pep in his step.

And because he's kid free for one more night, Johnny stops for takeout at his favorite gluten free restaurant and splurges on a bottle of red wine. When he's home, he fills the bath, drops in a bath bomb and settles on the classic silent film, _City Lights_.

* * *

 

"I promised Daddy I wouldn't, love. You're a big girl now." Patrick said with a long, weary sigh. Jade was having none of it however, she wanted her "su-su", as she called it, and she wanted it now. And the fact that Patrick was denying her was absolutely heart shattering to the three year old. "How about we read another book, that sound good?"

Jade only threw her head back against Patrick's chest and wailed louder. "Su-su, please! Please, Pop-Pop!" She cried.

Patrick was determined to not give in and stick the damn pacifier in her mouth, Johnny was right, she was too old for it and he was done enabling her and the tantrum she was having now was proof of that. He didn't know how to calm her down and he had sent Rosa home early, Malik was already asleep, but Jade's piercing cries were bound to wake him soon.

"Listen, love, the su-su is gone, okay, you don't need it." He tired to reason. "How about some water in your sippy?" Patrick asked as he wiped tears from her red face.

"No!" Jade screamed, she threw her head back again, this time catching Patrick at the chin. "I wan' Daddy! Pop-Pop mean!" And then she bent forward, digging her teeth into Patrick's arm. "Fuck, Jade!" Patrick howled, turning the toddler in his arms so they were facing. "That it not acceptable, you hear me? Pop-Pop doesn't like that! Understand!"

Jade instantly goes limp in his arms and cries quietly.

Patrick sighs sadly, laying Jade on her bed before moving over to the changing table and going into the bottom draw, behind him, he can hear Jade whimpering, he retrieves and opens a small package and discards the wrapping into the bin beside the table before turning around. Jade perks up, removing her thumb from her mouth.

She squeals. "Su-su!" 

* * *

 

Patrick hasn't seen his parents or sisters in months. He and his dad text but it's mostly about hockey. He's scared to answer any calls from his sisters so they've practically given up trying to get in touch with him. He can never ignore his mom.

When the story broke, his mom was the first person he called. They stayed on the phone for hours that day. It wasn't much of a conversation, just Patrick crying into the receiver and his mom doing her best to sooth him. They don't talk about that day anymore, or how he and Johnny are doing, she mostly ask about the kids. Patrick is aware that all of his relationships are shit right now and it's nobody's fault but his own. He has embarrassed and disappointed every single person that loves and cares about him.

Patrick idly drags his thumb along the neck of his beer bottle, huffing out a short breath every now and then.

"I don't do all nighters anymore, kid." Sharpy says from across the booth. "I can't help you if you don't talk."

"I'm fucked, Sharpy, everything is fucked and it's my fault. Everyone hates me, shit, I hate me."

"No one hates you, Patty Cakes. You've surely been kicked out of everyone's good graces, but no one _hates_ you."

"My daughter hates me," Patrick chokes out. "She said I was mean and asked for Johnny."

Sharpy chuckles at that. "She's three, Pat, that little girl loves you to death and you know that. She's so use to you giving her everything she wants and while that's not a bad thing a line has to be draw at certain points. And you finally drew one but you let her punk you."

"She didn't punk me." Patrick mumbles.

Sharpy shrugs, "You're the one who made it seem like she put you in a sharpshooter."

"I just don't what to do." Patrick sighs, changing the subjesct. "My personal life is in shambles, we're not making it to the playoffs this year, I've lost a huge endorsement deal. . . "

"So fix it." Sharpy tells him. "You made this mess, so clean it up."

"I don't know where to start."

Sharpy folds his hands together, and leans forward.

"You can start by telling me how you met Josh."

* * *

 

Johnny's laying the kids finger paintings on the island when he hears the front door open and close. He stills himself because Patrick usually calls before he comes over, he hasn't prepared himself for an interaction with Patrick today so he isn't quite sure whats fixing to take place. He turns and Patrick is standing in the archway looking a little worse for wear.

"Hi. . . " Johnny trails softly, unsure.

The silence that follows is suffocating. Johnny motions to the kids paintings and tells him that they've just settled into a movie in the den. Patrick is still, his face is becoming increasingly red and he hasn't said a word, Johnny is starting to get scared.

"Pat?" He questions. "Are. . . are you, okay?"

Johnny watches as a single tear slides down Patrick's face.

"We need to talk."

And Johnny's heart falls to his stomach.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> Thoughts? Kudos? Opinions? Let me know!
> 
> I'm @SecondCitySavage on Fanfiction.net and Wattpad! Stayonmypivot on tumblr (not a hockey blog, follow at your own risk!)
> 
> This is strictly fiction and nothing more! Don't sue me. Don't repost without permission.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
